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I have started smoking.

I know, I know - ridiculous.

The thing is I am on a strict diet (you know those milkshake things) and find myself feeling starving.  A cigarette has replaced food.   

I didnt smoke for 20 odd years then started again when things started getting a bit tough.  (thats another story!)

From a couple a day I found myself sneaking a cigarette at every opportunity I could - as soon as my husband was out the way.  Even getting up in the middle of the night.

It wasnt easy keeping it from him.  But it became an obsession.  As soon as he went out to the gym I lit up.  Then I would smoke 2 or 3 at a time as I'd never know when I'd get another chance.   

The stress of hiding it made me a bag of nerves so I'd need another one.  Sometimes I'd be so nervous about it I would stick the lighter in my mouth and try to flick the cigarette.

In between cigs I would douse myself in perfume, clean my teeth and spray everywhere with room deodariser.  Not that I would ever, ever smoke indoors, but I knew the smell of cigarette smoke followed you around.  I even got my son to start burning inscence.   

Anyway it was a complete waste of time.  My husband knew from the beginning but pretended he didnt.  The idea was to make it so difficult for me I'd stop.  He'd go out and come back unexpectedly.   

Of course the kids found out almost immediately and each gave me gyp.  "Only for a little while until things get back to normal", I'd promise.

One day he caught me red handed.  Too late to drop it and stomp on it and walk away!

I dont know who was more angry.  Me I think!    Ended in  a big argument and me lighting up in front of him.  A few days later things had settled down and he accepted my assurances.  "I gave up for 20 odd years so I can give up when I want....but it has to be when I  want!  I just cant do it under duress."

I still felt really uncomfortable smoking in front of him.  I  knew he was counting my cigarette butts.

Anyway, I did eventually pack up after I'd caught a really bad cold.

Now I have started again.  I went through exactly the same process.  Crazy.  I thought I could just have the odd one or two but the stress of hiding it and know the consequences of him finding out created a monster.   

The guilt is tremedous.